I could never handle crushes with just the casualness it deserved; I am too excited in too short a time. It didn’t mean I’d keep feeling that way for long, but I felt it all the same. Ooh, the excitement that the arrow struck at me! Talk about building a mountain out of a molehill; there I’d go deconstructing every damn thing; every look has to mean something, every word is laden thick with meaning, every move & mannerisms all focused on sending messages my way. (and yes, karma the seer..)
However, imagine a sparkling wine; how it always pops and fizzles out and then, nothing much remains at the end of it. Well, my crushes were like that, all glamour at the beginning and sour at the end. For the record, I think champagne is over-rated, which automatically goes to mean that my crushes were all over-rated as well. I over-rated them.
But then, that’s the fun of it; never-ending garrulous conversations with friends in the beginning, and eventually even more garrulous conversations with the same friends; this time making us recoil at our own stupidity, at the astonishment of how in the hell…??. Just goes to show- we change everyday. Still, it makes for wicked conversations.
Thinking back, crushing was exhausting. No wonder, every one of it was short-lived. The internal process of analysis and self-analysis of the crush, would normally be so demanding that I always began to almost despise the fellow (for merely being my crush and therefore, the source of the whole torture). At this point, they (as in my crushes) have no idea that I have a crush on them. They actually never do.
It was never about the guy, but more that I found somebody to crush on. I don’t generally rest on people, romantically. It was always an added bonus to find someone I liked and liked enough to think about. It was also a confirmation that I am not odd.
Like I said, crushes fizzle out. Till it does, enjoy and don’t stress about it. I wish I knew about relaxing and not being so ‘anal retentive’. Crushing is not a bad thing. It's a sugar rush we all need, from time to time.
Though I should let know, if that crushing makes you feel good about yourself, makes you like yourself a bit more…then, it might be worth a try to see where it goes. And also to let it show; nonchalance don’t work out well, when you are the one with the crush.
Anyway, it’s been some time I have experienced that overwhelming powerful desire to steal glances at a guy, and be incredibly self-conscious trying to be discreet. Which brings me to my next thought- what age should crushing stop, before it reflects a pathological disorder of some sort? Oh what the hell, I am sure the only pathological disorder it would reveal would be that one is young at heart. And that, I will take anytime.